Surfing the Waves of Chaos

12:38pm: An update for the ages
So its been over a year since I have wrote in this thing. Well not really a year, I had to delete some entries because I can be over the top. I deleted some entries from my previous relationship, and also I deleted some of the really bad entries describing prety much some of my all time low points of my life. I have no idea what made me think it was ok to post that stuff. I guess I thought I was being cool. Like hey look at me! I am a party animal and I'm living life on the edge! I would like to make this entry a public statement regarding the nature of some of my previous journal entries.

When you all read my journal didnt you think I was a little immature? I mean I just looked at one of the more recent journals and it has a little thing called "party update:" I mean really who actually gives a shit about a party I went too. For some reason, I felt like I had to let everyone know I was partying. I wish someone had said something to me. I am kind of embarrassed at the way I was.

With that said the reason why I wanted to update every once in a while again was because I actually did write some cool entries. Like the dream ones, or just random updates on my life, or the trip experience I had with all of those wierd concepts. It was interesting to read those, so I thought I'd start updating again.

I have changed a lot as a person. I no longer feel the need to let everyone know how well I am doing, or that I went to a party and it was a blast. I dont think those entries were accurate accounts of who I really was. I, like many ljers played up my life and myself as this always happy fun loving party animal with no shame. Although it is true, I apparently had no shame in anything I did. But now I have realized my mistakes and my immaturities and I have become a better person.

This summer has been different from any other summer I ever had. I didn't party, and I didn't see friends as often as I always have. A lot of this is because I'm no longer looking to go out and party and get drunk. But also two of my best friends are in the military, Rob and Brian. As for my other friends, well, we all work a lot, and there is one group in particular I have avoided on many occassions because of drama and drug use. I dont want to be a part of it. I also am in a relationship with Erin as everyone probably knows, and that has been a good influence on me. She has made this summer a special one and I love every minute I spend with her.

I'll be moving to Narragansett soon to live with 3 other roommates for my last year of school. It is good and bad. I like living closer to school and it will be a good way to end my college, being with 3 friends who are all graduating with me instead of living with my parents and having them on my back. On the other hand, I will not see my girlfriend as much and I'll also not be saving any money. But when its all over, I think next summer will be great. I'll be looking for a real job and hopefully get a place to live. Things will be good I think.

Thats all for now. I know this was boring and not funny or anything.. But it is my introduction and I took it seriously :P

12:33am: My dog Stella, died today. It's been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in I think my whole life even after losing a friend and a grandpa, which is kinda sad when u think about it.

There are these ducks that keep coming to my pool and my dogs have been barking at them for the past week or so. Today Stella fell in the pool and drowned =( I was at school. I came home hearing my mom crying hysterically and talking on the phone with someone. I was so scared and I saw little stella lying there in a towel. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. My stella is dead. I loved that dog so much for 7 years. She was the sweetest, most friendly dog.. And she was always so lively and fun. She deserved a full life.

I guess she couldnt get out because of the tarp. But we think the ducks may have had something to do with it. If she had swam to the stairs she could have stayed above water we think. So it might be that the ducks ganged up on her or something. Either way its so fucking sad and I cant take it. Every time I think about her I cry, its terrible =(

The End.

3:31pm: ITS A MIRACLE!!! :D
The most amazing thing just happened to me. OMG I dont even know what to think I am so happy. I changed rooms with my little brother, and he has AC which i have never had the pleasure of experiencing. For some reason at night his room gets hot, and the AC hadnt worked for some reason :( It was very upsetting the past few night being let down by my AC. BUT just now, I got done lifting and I was all hot, I walk in my room, I'm still all hot... I put on the Hidden Cameras which I havent listened too in forever the song is called Ban Marriage. And all of the sudden I hear a noise come from my AC and it works!! OHH what a wonderful thing! :D

12:48am: JUST KIDDING!!!!
I had a ball with this. It's a Haiku generator that takes random shit from your journal and makes Haikus. Pretty funny.. I thought I'd share them.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	Hahzist
Your haiku:	and he just drops to the guy was pissed so he ended up being gay
Username:
Created by Grahame

looking shit i guess
practically molesting
me so im like hi

cmahhnn..i felt really
bad bc he was like lol ok
guy so i should stop

back to her senior
prom as her date i am such
a sweetheart there is

are two busses and a
bunch of kids and we go back
to my body...my

but its true i need
to get my degree but because
i want to hang out

mom stop omg what a
weekend i'll make it short and
sweet cuz its damn late

are filthy i played
golf today with them and now
im gonna get on

guy named shaun and
hes like my reaction...to the
case ahh well ya know

i was gay.26.~would you
ever liked pinkpills yah
shes my friends none the

world we live in a
little while.oh big news
erin and i swear

some psycho bitch year
old white woman who looks like
or love kelly i

test the guy and then
all the different people
were like pshg dslfj heyyy

ask me and alex
and jess were supposed to
take some ofacor

suite mates d cant wait
till spring break with a mission
to kill him haha

i like to call him
paul party was awesome
nates parents own some

and passed out in
narragansett at audrey
and krissa till in

i touch the skkyyyyyy and
then a trip up to buy bogues
turns out there and we

am truly greatful
for being in such a cool place
to hang out...and i

and were like pshg dslfj
heyyy hahahah whats goin on
and was like talking

you in thereacor
and you said frank!"acor and
started drinking met

and everyone is
passed out ontop of the
breakup but all in

an hour so i went
into the hottub that was
so nice i liked

fought effort in the
front of the way of going out
with fnxbru lol....i think

ive kind of person
you grow with and creating plans
for insane people

bs and shes smart thats
the kind of stalking me and
scott are like ok get

have better control
of my nighthahzist lolfrank
is my best friend we

it short and sweet cuz
its damn late and im high he
had a bad ass bow

started up on the
ball again it was funny
cuz i was dreaming

was younger but i
think my reason for doing this
is what i do not

want do whatever
we want take whatever we
want build wherever

not too long i should
share in my damn pockets and
shit this dream was nuts

my fault i live at
home living with my parents
instead of living

the voices again and
the hangover sucks cuz u
are fuckin bummin

a mystery it
was like ehhhh i donno its
hard to explain we

naked went into
the hottub then went back to
her dorm and throw a

hot hahaha whats
with all the lights are off and
he was like i have

when i come crawling
back she will be gross this way
i'll no longer want

someone as i knew
it so i cant beleive how
drunk i gotacor

we drove by being like
eyyyyyyyy and in really silly
voices which i again

1:31am: 1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )




1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )


I got so bored I did it twice, both links will show the 2 sets of answers..

10:06pm: High on life
Im in summer school now and it sucks wicked bad to say the least. Its only 2 nights a week but its 4 hours of lecture, and oh my god, its just horrible. And my little brother broke my side mirror on my car, that has to be fixed.. my phone broke, lost a bunch of numbers, wtf is going on!

Besides all that things are great. 4th of july was awesome, we were right under the fire works, I almost had a stroke during the finale. And as we were walking back up we started to sink in the ground and we were all is this mud? what the hell? And it starts to reak like shit!! And it turns out we were treading through cow shit!! so i jumped out onto a stonewall and ran through a bush screaming. It was all over our shoes. It was gross. Then we went to devens house and had some fun over there.

Everything is going well right now, but wheres the girlfriend? Come on.... Its been five months, its time. Applications are being accepted.. lol. :P But anyway, I've some ideas but I dunno, just gonna see how things pan out I guess. Thats the kind of attitude thats not going to make things happen but I mean I dont have a lot of dating experience, so I kind of just like to hang out with people, and not date, but then somehow expect a relationship to develop. Do I give off too much a friendly impression? Maybe I should stop beating around the bush and start going for the prize.

You know what else sucks, is not being able to tell someone how you feel because of certain situations. Its just like road blocks to life. I been thinking about just never holding back anything to anyone. And always saying how I feel. I wonder where that would get me. I guess it would have good and bad results.

Im hanging out with Jill tomorrow and im going to ride a horse for the first time! I think its a good idea, I cant go through life without ever riding a horse. I really like Jill, But the story of my life... she is too young I guess. Its not my fault I live at home and there is noone my age around anymore.

But whoever and whenever Im with someone, Im going to stick with it for as long as its good for. Im rambling, I didnt even know what I was going to write about when I decided to update, but I guess this is what I been thinking about lately. I was gonna post a dream theory but it requires too much brain work and ive used enough of that tonight at school. (sorry erin =P) .

4:56pm: The Unsane
There is a point somewhere, where sanity ends,
One may think its where insanity tends.
But what is before, is the question deeper,
Alas the answer is reverse, one is a sleeper.
Insanity lies before and not after sane,
So what is called after is the truth, the unsane.
This point in mind knows that of the unknown,
When one has reached this the mind has grown.
The connection of life and all that exists,
The meaning of nature and all that consists.
Channel this realm, there may be ways,
Do not live life just counting the days.

- Adam Haas


I wrote that senior year, its pretty cool.

Im about to go to work now. I had a GREAT day with Erin today. At first it was sketchy, bc her b/f got all upset when she told him she was hanging out with me. Weve been friends way longer then theyve been going out so cmahhnn..I felt really bad bc, he kept calling her and stuff and was all mad, sad, and whatever. But that eventually passed, and we went downtown again! It was fun, went to starbucks and joked around for a while, then went to Ryan's Family, and I swear to God, she beat me AGAIN in air hockey! I am such a joke. So then we drove back and I had to pee soooo bad, and while i waited for her to get her work stuff, I ran into cumbys and the bathrooms were out of service! I was literally going to burst, so then she is FINALLY ready (JK!) :P And I got to go at northend haha.

Got some plans tonight for a drinking occasion since I hardly did anything this weekend. And...got some plans this weekend, COOL! Short entry, Peace.

3:06pm: Ok, It's Dream Time
Over the past few months I have had some pretty fucking cool dreams. Some of them I have unfortunatly already forgotten, so I figure I will use this journal for keeping records of my dreams.

Ok well first I'll fill you in on a lucid dream I had a couple months ago. I dont remember it completely so this will be somewhat short. First of all a lucid dream usually happens when you are napping in the middle of the day. Some people never get them. I have had 2 myself so far this year. Basically what it is, is you have complete control over yourself in the dream. You realize you are dreaming, and you can see everything in the dream very clearly, as well as thinking clearly. It's a very fun time, and you can basically just explore the dream as if you were awake and in a whole different world.

Well basically, I was at my house with some friends. I did not know them in real life, but they were my friends none the less. Then some girl was outside of my garage. She had apparently been raped by some pscyho that was stalking my house. I got pretty scared then looked over to find that 2 of my friends were being drowned. Then the dream went lucid. I didnt really know i was dreaming, but i was thinking very clearly, and could move and think fast and efficiently in my dream. I ran away from my house and found a tree. I proceeded to pick up an axe that had been on me and start cutting away. I made myself a bad ass bow, and created some arrows out of wood with tips made from sharp rocks. Then all of the sudden this music started playing loud and clearly. And it was about me being a man of nature with a mission to kill this murderer. So i started to run back to my house with my bow and arrow ready. I have to say I was enjoying this because my instincts had reached a whole new level and i was not afraid of anything. I was ready to fight the murdurer. I ended up waking up shortly after, but it was an awesome dream! :)

The other lucid dream I had was short and sweet. I started walking down these stairs, and immediately i knew i was dreaming and i could move very quickly and clear like in my other one. I had the ability to just observe the dream and have fun. It was so awesome. It was like I was tripping my face off, except I had a very clear and easy going mind. Everything was so colorful and awesome to look at. I went into a room and saw a guy talking jibberish to me. He started getting mad, so I threw a chair at him, knowing I was dreaming, I really wanted to test the guy and see what would happen. He ended up fighting with some other dude in the room. Then a guy and some girl came up and showed me more rooms which were filled with really cool looking shit. I woke up sometime after this. It was another fantastic lucid dream :)

Now for the nightmare I had last night. I havent had a scary dream in a long time but this one out of control. I was in a place that sort of resembled a theme park, except it was very creepy and gothic. I was friends with this guy who was making his own attraction. It was a really scary haunted house with holographic zombies or something. I went through it and it scared the shit out of me. It was all dark, and these zombies were like coming out of their graves and trying to get me. Since I was dreaming, the fact that it was supposed to be a fake haunted house didnt really play to strong of a role. I saw some really creepy looking dead shit. Eventually he led me out and we started walking around. Btw, This guy was like 6'8, he had dark hair, a gray deathly looking suit, and was like 25 years old.

A lot of wierd stuff was going on but nothing too scary. Then towards the end, shit got really intense. I was trapped in this place. I was basically enjoying some of it because it was cool, but some stuff kind of freaked me out. But i couldnt seem to leave. Around this time there was some sort of group after me. I cant really remember exactly what it was all about, but they were kind of stalking me and I would see them around. I didnt know what they wanted. Then my friend gives me a gun and tells me I have to shoot some dude, and then my friend would make sure that the group doesnt bother me and I could even leave if I wanted too. Now since this was just a regular dream and not lucid or anything, I ended up listening to him and taking the gun. I didnt want to do it but I felt I had to. Next thing I remember I go up to this guy and shoot him in the head.

Now after I do this, I'm like holyshit wtf did I just do? Im going to pay for this. Then everything started getting dark and scary. I felt like there was some evil force that was going to make me pay for what I did. But I sort of played it off, because my friend was like GOOD JOB ADAM, dont worry about it your fine now. But I felt I was somehow going to be punished. Then he tells me, lets celebrate by taking a walk through my haunted house. I looked in the house and the same scary shit was going on. I refused to go in because of the fear I already had going on. He insisted. I refused. Then the zombies start coming out of the house. They are popping up everywhere and coming after me. Im trying to calm myself down saying they are fake, none of them are real. Then things are getting more scary, louder, hellish, and im like starting to run and panic. As I hop over a fence I see these Banshees like screaming my name and they are really scary looking..and sounding. ( I mean banshee by a woman-zombie thing that is tall, has a robe, and long gray hair, with sucked in eyes, and an open mouth.) This was the worst part of the dream and I continued to run as more and more dead shit was yelling my name, and this was all because I shot that person. I knew it. So I ended up waking up during this, probably because it was too scary to remain asleep. My heart was pounding and I was all hot and shit. This dream was nuts, but I'm glad I had it. Intense dreams are always good for ideas in the future :)

7:20pm: 1st entry
Heres a thought...Every living thing in this universe is connected. It is scientifically said that the human body is full of energy which makes us go. Therefore its safe to say that the life-force of all living things is this divine energy. Einstein said energy is indestructible it is continuous and never ceases to exist. So put this information I have just given to you into the question of what happens when we die. Since this energy doesnt stop going, it leaves your body and becomes part of the collective energy again..where it goes and goes until it finds something ready for life and enters it..(ex. the moment life begins with the fertilization of a sperm and egg). This energy is abundant and all around. Going deeper...some believe in a soul. I for one do and the soul is the same thing..this life energy that inhabits things and gives them life. Einstein also once said that if we were able to use 100% of our brains, we wouldnt even need a body, we would simply be pure energy...see how this theory fits? So when we die and our energy/soul whatever you choose to call it goes on, we know everything about how IT all works and what IT is all about. Once we incarnate into another life form we then forget our vast knowledge because we are sparking a brain that does our thinking or maybe we even can become plants where we dont think because theres no brain to spark but still live because of our energy...going even deeper..what if plants and trees know more than we do or anything with a brain for that matter because the energy in the plant doesnt have a brain to energize so it simply uses itself..therefore the oak tree in your yard knows more than you will your entire lifetime...back to the soul, just to add that all souls are the same and the there is no personality because it is simply pure divine energy and that is why we are all connected...we all share this same collective energy that is ONE so when we die..again..the soul will go into this collective energy and then a portion of this energy leaves into a lifeform and we reincarnate feel apart from everything else because the personality makes us different when infact we are all one...and that is god..not some spirit watching us but its infact all of us...SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT